][[``__.x.i'll.be.there.maybe.x._

FeE|
Saturday, July 23, 2005

Every day is a nightmare.. i live in fear of the next day.. maybe god will be kind and ends mi story soon.. this way all mi nightmares will end too.. the girl i like in mi class does not have much in common to say to mi and seems to avoid mi.. she even blocks mi in msn.. this is so depressing.. even though i feel she is not mi type but i still feel she is special.. someone that i want to see being happy everyday, anytime.. everything i could have, i have, those that i wished for the most... often do not happen.. what can i do?.. every day i walked is a horror.. in anger, in fear, in sadness of what i could not have..
The other girl that i have feeling for does not reply mi sms.. what did i do? why she does not reply?... i hav asked her out several times but she always is not free.. why is it so? .. haiz.. this is so disturbing.. she is the one i feel linked to... someone that, like an angel can save mi from mi nightmare.. yet times when we talked, we had nth to say.. it is just a blank.. mi mind went blank..
I don't know if this is puppy love on mi part but why i had this torture every time.. during sec school i also hav crushes.. and they were not temporary and short term.. i can love that gal for 2yrs and not tink seriously of any other girls.. but then when we go to diff skool and parted, i always will have another crush.. seems that i cant stop mi self from felling in love.. not a monment since sec skool can i really say to miself that i had not loved any gal now.. there is always one or two crushed.. why like this.. and most of mi crushes is not b cuz they are beautyful of chio or good figure.. is i just liked them.. friends hav helped mi and intro other better or so call they thinks better gals to mi.. but i still cant forget mi crush.. i often crush for 2yrs and like that gal for that period not thinking of any other gals.. but this is not so good.. i thinks i am too committed to one & only one.. should always search for other better or have more in common gals..
I admit i am bit depressed, often had fits of depress.. when in skool when at home.. anywhere.. i lost the feeling of joy.. happyness.. what is it.. how does it feel like? when i win a game, scored a goal, had good grades, hanging out .. i feel no joy.. no real happiness.. i only smile b cuz others will expect mi to b happy..
I lived for mi parents love and not to disappoints them.. most badly had i disappoint is to those that had high hopes in mi.. sorry.. i have disappointed you.. espically mi beloved grandmother.. she places high hopes in mi and i am sorry... i may not have told you.. but in fact i am a loser.. in many aspect of life.. in games, many i played.. often i played.. i win much and is an avid gamer.. nothing beats doing things that i loved, but since the World Cyber Games 2005 in s'pore had i realised that compared to other players.. i am far fetched.. not skilled enought.. what am i for.. a avid gamer yet is a loser cuz i do not have the confidence to win 100% every match.. i am too nervous.. yes i am weak cuz i am too nervous & tense.. in life.. what can i do.. i had no purpose or meaning in life.. i had done nothing to support/help mi parents in the family aspect.. i study b cuz mi parents expect mi to... i revise for examinations b cuz i fear the feeling of failing.. what have i done for mi nation.. nothing.... a lousy citizen i am... had not even go to NDP for 5yrs le.. what is mi purpose.. nth.. i game b cuz i am bored.. i eat b cuz i am hungry.. i sleep b cuz i am lazy.. every month i spent on mi parents hard earned money.. what hav i done to repaid their kindness..nth.. they wasted their money on mi.. they saved often yet i spent often.. i am guity.. why i spent $ like water.. those $ are not mi own.. they are mi parents'.. i am a weaking.. a loser.. no matter how many games i win.. i am a loser.. cause gaming in nature onli spents money and does not do any real benifit .. all that happen in it is fake..
What does i live for.. i dunno.. living day by day.. trying to live to the max.. but in the end.. it is nth.. nothing .. is the world giving up hope for mi? is there no end to this nightmare?

i'll.be.there[[ 11:31 PM ]]

[* waitiiin __
+ + +